independence vs. connectedness

Independence day --- I don't think the founding fathers ever really though of it in the sense that I've experienced it this year. With practically everybody from my program gone away on a trip to Andalusia (which I didn't attend, because 1. it cost approximately $300, and 2. because I've been to Cordoba twice and I'm going to Granada in 2 weeks anyway), the building was almost completely empty. I ate my meals alone, and went out alone, and when I talked to my family on the phone while they were all together, I felt even more far away than before. Not to say I didn't have a good weekend, because it was fine as far as weekends go. But I think I am learning that there is a very fine line between independence and social isolation.

Independence has been a huge theme for me lately. I've been thinking about it since I got here. Maybe even since before I got here. But nonetheless, it's something that's been pressing on me. It's even come up in a few books that I've been reading lately, namely Into the Wild and Blue Like Jazz, both offering some commentary on the fact that it is not good to be isolated and alone. I totally agree.

And yet, here I am here in Spain, being independent. I am pursuing my own interests, on my own. I came here alone, and most days, I still do my own thing. I like company, but I don't like to tag along. I don't like to appear needy. This is where I feel a lot of tension. Not only am I shy, but I tend to do my own thing in an attempt to not appear clingy. I think this is a lethal combination. haha, I always end up feeling lonely when I first meet people. But I should just suck it up, I know I should. And unfortunately that sounds easier than it actually is. Don't get me wrong, I have friends here. And I enjoy hanging out with them. But I think that, more and more, I am willing to break away from the group to do what I want to do. If they want to come, all the better, but I'm more motivated now to do my own thing first. I can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It may make me appear more aloof and independent than I may actually be. (And maybe this is a problem--appearing more independent than I really am. Maybe that is where the tension comes in.)

It's easy to see that my semester in Sevilla had a lot to do with my independence. I mean, it kind of changed me. I went to a foreign country to live, not knowing anybody at first. Of course I had to become independent. And that continued when I got back home. I was living in a dorm, and was alone most days. I had to do my own thing. Even recently, I'm finding that I have no sure group of friends. I feel like I just float between groups, like I'm kind of a second thought always. I hate that in a way. I miss the feeling of belonging somewhere. And it's definitely difficult to know where I belong these days. Being in Spain again has brought out my independence, but I think it's also making me realize how much I want to feel connected.

People always talk about having a word that describes themselves. I remember thinking at one time that "independence" or "freedom" might be my word. It sounded good. I still think it sounds good, but I don't know if it would be my word anymore. I think this tension between independence and social relationships has left me to realize that I crave social interaction much more than I thought. I mean, I still value independence and being able to pursue my interests and what not. But at this particular point in my life, I think that more than anything I need to feel a sense of belonging.

So...................... this 4th of July, I celebrated independently. I ate my meals alone, and went to the mall and movie theater alone. And to really exercise my independence, I chose my own seat in the movie theater. No, I did not sit in row 9 seat B, which was my assigned seat (because they do that here!). I was an American, and I sat where I wanted. (Ok, row 8 seat C) :)

My roommates are all back now, and I have to admit that it was a little difficult to be surrounded by people again! I was tempted to go down into the lounge for a while, but I changed my mind. It's good to be around people. So that's what I'm gonna do.

besos,
rachael